Sex is a complex subject, and it ties into relationships and emotions in complicated ways. Some of the questions that relate to it are:
• What is sex, exactly? Is it just intercourse? Or does it include things like kissing and oral sex too?
• How important is sex? Can you live a happy, healthy life without it? Or is it an essential part of a healthy, well-balanced life?
• What is the emotional dimension of sex? Can you really separate the physical dimension from the emotional dimension? Should you even try?
• Can friends enjoy any kind of sexual activity with each other without risking their friendship? How risky is it?
• What is the connection between sex and relationships? Should you only have sex when you’re in a relationship?
• Is there anything special about intercourse? Or should it be lumped in with everything else?
• Can you be satisfied with a single sexual partner? Or will there always be a desire for variety? And if the latter, can that desire be met without destroying your relationship? Or can the desire be eliminated or repressed?
• What is the ethical dimension of sex? What should you do and not do?
• What is the connection between attraction and sex? Can you have sex with someone you’re not attracted to? How much of attraction is physical and how much is non-physical?
• What are the key differences between men and women, with regard to sex?
Let’s see if we can answer some of these:
Q. What is sex, exactly? Is it just intercourse? Or does it include things like kissing and oral sex too?
Part of the confusion about sex comes from the fact that it’s not very well defined. Remember the way Bill Clinton famously excluded oral sex from his definition of “sexual relations.” For a lot of people, “sex” seems to be shorthand for “sexual intercourse.” But it also seems to include just about everything else what involves contact between the mouths or genitals of two people, which would include kissing and oral sex. Another rule of thumb is whether or not you would do the activity with someone you weren’t sexually attracted to (such as a member of the same sex, for heterosexuals). Another test is if it generates sexual arousal. Based on all this, strictly speaking, kissing someone is a form of sex. And so is oral sex, and being naked with someone, if it creates arousal.
Q. How important is sex? Can you live a happy, healthy life without it? Or is it an essential part of a healthy, well-balanced life?
It seems obvious that humans are very sexual beings. In many ways, our bodies are evolved to encourage and enjoy sex. We’re one of the few mammals who are not completely covered with fur, leaving our sensitive skin exposed. Human females are the only mammals with permanent breasts, a powerful sexual attractant for the opposite sex. And they are continually sexually receptive, not just during estrus, as with other animals. And the human male penis is extremely sensitive, and easily the largest of any primate.
Also, studies have shown that sex has many health benefits. According to Wikipedia, “Sex as exercise burns calories to produce health benefits. Sex also relieves stress, boosts the immune system with higher levels of immunoglobulin A, improves cardiovascular health, increases self-esteem, improves intimacy, reduces pain by production of the hormone oxytocin, reduces the risk of prostate cancer, strengthens pelvic muscles, and promotes good sleep.”
In addition, for men at least, there seems to be a powerful impulse toward sex. This may be due to the high levels of testosterone in their blood, compared to women. Testosterone is a key component in sex drive, for both men and women. It is essential for developing and maintaining erections of both the penis and clitoris. Men have at least 20 times as much testosterone as women, which is why they seem to have a stronger sex drive than women.
Given that, sexual activity is probably more important to men than it is to women. Their sex drive is greater and their need for sexual release is stronger.
Q. What is the emotional dimension of sex? Can you really separate the physical dimension from the emotional dimension? Should you even try?
Sexual activity is very exciting. It releases all kinds of chemicals and stimulates the emotions. If pleasure and pain are the most basic and powerful emotions, then the pleasure experienced during sex can also be considered an emotion.
For many female mammals, the neurotransmitter oxytocin (released in both men and women during sexual activity) has been shown to play a role in forming a monogamous pair bond with her sexual partner. Vasopressin appears to have a similar effect in males. Since oxytocin has a role in social behaviors in many species, it seems likely that it has similar roles in humans.
In my own experience, the act of sexual intercourse always evokes strong emotions, and not just feelings of physical pleasure. I don’t know the exact reason, but my best guess is that, at some level, my mind associates the ultimate act of physical intimacy with the ultimate in emotional intimacy. If the two are not in alignment (for example, if I have intercourse with someone with whom I’m dating but not yet in love), then I often feel conflicted and uneasy. I’m not exactly sure why this is. It may be partly because I’m worried about hurting the other person’s feelings. Or it may be that, at some unconscious level, my mind understands the power and significance of sexual intercourse. It is, after all, how new people are made.
For these reasons, it’s often difficult to separate the physical dimension of intercourse from the emotional dimension. However, I seem to be in the minority among men on this. There seems to be plenty of men who have no trouble engaging in sexual intercourse without these emotional implications. Most women, for their part, seem to be more like me. Although even with them, there are exceptions, and I’ve known women who seem capable of having sexual intercourse without emotional repercussions.
Interestingly, for me, other kinds of non-intercourse sexual activity don’t have the same emotional impact. I can enjoy being naked with a woman I’m not in love with, or exchange massages with her, or give and receive oral sex, without the strong emotions associated with intercourse. However, in the case of receiving oral sex, I find that going all the way to orgasm does evoke some of those emotions. Although I wouldn’t have to be in love with, I would at least have to be physically attracted to her, and at least know her well and be friends with her. Which leads us to…
Q. Can friends enjoy any kind of sexual activity with each other without risking their friendship? How risky is it?