by Cherie Carter-Scott. 1999.
The Ten Rules
1. You must love yourself first
2. Partnering is a choice
3. Creating love is a process
4. Relationships provide opportunities to grow
5. Communication is essential
6. Negotiation will be required
7. Your relationship will be challenged by change
8. You must nurture the relationship for it to thrive
9. Renewal is the key to longevity
10. You will forget all this the moment you fall in love
Introduction
Authentic love requires that you discover and embrace your authentic self, and from that essential self draw to you the person with whom you want to hold hands and experience the adventure of life.
Authentic love is honoring your partner’s truth and wanting the very best for him or her. It is not controlling or possessing but rather respecting and trusting his or her unique path in life.
Rule One: You Must Love Yourself First
The quality of your relationship between you and your self is paramount, for all your other relationships are based on it. This relationship acts as a template from which all the unions in your life are shaped, setting the quality, tone, and texture for how you relate to others and how they relate to you. It establishes the working model of how to give and receive love.
The depth and quality of the link between you and yourself ultimately determines the success of your relationship with others. If an authentic love relationship is what you desire, then the first natural step you must take is to learn to love, honor, and cherish yourself as a truly precious and lovable being.
…most say they want someone who is kind, considerate, and loving; who will treat them with respect and unconditional acceptance and listen to their wishes, goals, and dreams; who will make them feel special and cherished; who will cheer at their successes; someone with whom they can be completely open and honest and to whom they can feel completely connected in heart, mind, body, and soul.
The place within you that generates self-love is the exact same place that attracts authentic love from others. If that source is clouded, your ability to attract a relationship that glistens with the magical sparkle of love is eclipsed. In order to bring light to that inner source, you will need first to learn how to give to yourself what you are seeking from another.
If there is one basic law about the energy of love, it is this: How you perceive and treat yourself is exactly how others will perceive and treat you.
Nurturing is a demonstration to yourself, from yourself, that you matter and that you are worth the expense of time, energy, effort, or money. Make a list of the things that recharge and rejuvenate you; this can be anything from sensory pleasures to physical activity to spiritual practices that renew you. List only things that make you feel special. Things like:
• Having a massage
• Spending a day in bed when you’re not sick
• Going biking
• Having coffee with a friend
• Burning your favorite scented candle
• Listening to your favorite music
Choose at least nurturing act per day and do it.
Rule Three: Creating Love is a Process
Authentic love is built on a foundation of strong, intimate bonds that can only be formed through time and experience. Imagine if you tried to build a house without taking the time to be sure each board and stone was properly placed and supported and every nail hammered in securely. The house might be built in record time, but at what cost?
Think of your relationship as the house you are building and the process of creating love as the work that goes into building it. If you try to rush through the stages of creating authentic love, you may end up with something that looks like a relationship but may not be secure enough to sustain you through life’s stormy times.
When we first encounter a potential partner, we may be tempted to rush the process so that we can get through the evolutionary stages quickly and get to the “good stuff.” However, love is an energy with inherent laws, and one of them is that love refuses to be rushed.
Five stages of love:
1. Connection
2. Exploration
3. Evaluation
4. Building Intimacy
5. Commitment
Stage One: Connection
Connection occurs when the exchange of energy between two people flows without reservation. Romantic connections usually begin with a spark—that invisible chemical attraction that draws two people like magnets. Sometimes it feels like déjà vu, that strange familiarity as though you have known that person before; it can also show up as an intense feeling of stimulation, or as a sense of profound comfort.
Connection can occur on several different levels, often at the same time: mentally, when two minds “click”; emotionally, when two personalities are “simpatico”; or spiritually, when two souls vibrate at the same frequency.
The primary method of building intimacy is simply opening the door and allowing your partner to truly see the truth of who you are in all of your dimensions.
Revealing private thoughts invites your partner in to your innermost world and lets him or her know that he or she is a welcome confidant. Withholding builds walls, disclosing builds bridges. It’s your choice—walls or bridges.
Simply spending time just being together invites intimacy. When you lie quietly with your partner and listen to her heartbeat and the cadence of her breathing, you connect yourselves on a basic energetic and human level.
A connection between your hearts and souls will sustain you, but it is the actual dynamic of how you relate that will determine the quality of your experience together.
Rule Seven: Your Relationship Will Be Challenged By Change
You and your partner are a team. What that means is that you will need to work together and to dance to the steps of change in tandem. Where one is weak, the other can be strong; when one is damaged, the other can offer healing; when one has doubt, the other can provide faith.
Rule Eight: You Must Nurture The Relationship For It To Thrive
Thoughtfulness is showing your partner that you care, that she matters, and that you hold her in your consciousness. It means consciously and deliberately doing things to show your love. It is the act of predicting what your partner might like, want, or need, and then go beyond your normal routine to provide it.