See also:
Life Partner Assessment
Relationships
Sex
Women
Principles
Men and women seem to be attracted to traits that are distinct to the opposite sex. Men are attracted to distinctly feminine traits (e.g. breasts) and women are attracted to distinctly masculine traits (e.g. square jaws, stubble, etc.)
Men evaluate women on the quality of their bodies. Women evaluate men on the quality of their lives, which includes their social status and connections.
To form a bond, you need to connect in three ways: physically, emotionally, and intellectually.
It’s not just a matter of finding the right person. It’s also a matter of developing yourself into the right person so that when the right potential partner comes along, they will be attracted.
Dating is a process of search, discovery, and evaluation of others. But it’s also a process of definition and development of yourself. To be successful, you need to clarify who you are, and develop yourself into an interesting person.
Some people are just harder to match than others, because they have unusual combinations of traits.
If two people are a good match, it should be obvious to both of them. It should feel right to both of them. It should feel natural.
One reason why so many people are single, despite their desire to be in a relationship is this: using the classic 10-point scale, people know they can potentially get someone up to 2 points better looking than they are. So 6s are looking for 8s. But 8s are also looking for 10s, who in turn are looking for other 10s.
Any attractive woman is used to getting lots of male attention. And the more generally attractive and desirable a woman is, the more men will be competing for her affection.
It is unwise (and potentially offensive) to make broad, premature judgments and characterizations of someone’s personality based on just a few of their words and actions.
Dating is like trying on shoes you’ll wear for the rest of your life.
Once someone is sure of another’s attraction, they don’t work as hard for it.
Everybody wants to get the best possible partner they can without being rejected themselves.
Methods
Ways To Build Intimacy:
– Talk about subjects of mutual interest
– Do an activity you both enjoy
– Express/reveal your emotions to each other
– Reveal secrets to each other
– Kiss and cuddle
– Have sex
Touch is a nonverbal language, and a more subtle way of conveying messages than words. It draws less attention to itself.
You can’t go straight from acting platonic all night to suddenly kissing at the end. There needs to be some touching and maybe some flirting during the date.
It’s best not to be too attached to any particular outcome, but keep your eyes open for opportunities.
On a date, you’re trying to both obtain and convey information at the same time.
Nice equals predictable equals boring.
Two elements of seduction:
1. To see the other person as they like to see themselves.
2. To be like the other person would like to be
There is an economy of beauty and an economy of attention. It’s human nature to value less that which there is an abundant supply of. Price (perceived value) is a function of supply and demand (price = demand/supply). When supply is abundant and demand is low, the price is low. When supply is scarce and demand is high, price is driven higher. This is why you shouldn’t be too attentive. If you’re too generous with your attention and affection, it won’t be valued as much.
An afternoon date is very different from an evening date. The latter is more romantic, more likely to include drinking, and has a natural end when it gets late.
Questions
Should you have sex to increase your feeling of intimacy with someone? Or should you only have sex with someone with whom you already feel intimate?
Excerpts From Wikipedia
Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating
Date: 24-Nov-2012
Dating is a form of courtship consisting of social activities done by two people with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. While the term has several meanings, it usually refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity in public, together, as a couple.
The protocols and practices of dating, and the terms used to describe it, vary considerably from country to country. The most common idea is two people trying out a relationship and exploring whether they’re compatible by going out together in public as a couple, who may or may not yet be having sexual relations. This period of courtship is sometimes seen as a precursor to engagement or marriage.
History
From the perspective of the history of humans in civilization, dating as an institution is a relatively recent phenomenon which has mainly emerged in the last few centuries. From the standpoint of anthropology and sociology, dating is linked with other institutions such as marriage and the family which have also been changing rapidly and which have been subject to many forces, including advances in technology and medicine. As humans have evolved from the hunter-gatherers into civilized societies and more recently into modern societies, there have been substantial changes in the relationship between men and women, with perhaps the only biological constant being that both adult women and men must have sexual intercourse for human procreation to happen.
Humans have been compared to other species in terms of sexual behavior. Neurobiologist Robert Sapolsky constructed a reproductive spectrum with opposite poles being tournament species, in which males compete fiercely for reproductive privileges with females, and pair bond arrangements, in which a male and female will bond for life. According to Sapolsky, humans are somewhat in the middle of this spectrum, in the sense that humans form pair bonds, but there is the possibility of cheating or changing partners. These species-particular behavior patterns provide a context for aspects of human reproduction, including dating. The institution describing a male-female bond has generally been known as marriage, although what constitutes a marriage has varied widely over time and by culture. In most societies, and during much of human history, marriages were arranged by parents and older relatives with the goal not being love but “economic stability and political alliances,” according to anthropologists. Accordingly, there was little need for a temporary trial period such as dating before any permanent community-recognized union was formed between a man and a woman. Men were the dominant sex in a system of patriarchy. While pair-bonds of varying forms were recognized by most societies as acceptable social arrangements, wives were often seen almost as a form of property serving the function of reproduction. Communities exerted pressure on people to form pair-bonds in places such as Europe; in China, according to sociologist Tang Can, society “demanded people get married before having a sexual relationship” and many societies found that some formally recognized bond between a man and a woman was the best way of rearing and educating children as well as helping to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings regarding competition for mates.
Generally, during much of recorded history of humans in civilization, and into the Middle Ages in Europe, weddings were seen as business arrangements between families, while romance was something that happened outside of marriage discreetly, such as covert meetings. The 12th-century book The Art of Courtly Love advised that “True love can have no place between husband and wife.” According to one view, clandestine meetings between men and women, generally outside of marriage or before marriage, were the precursors to today’s dating.
From about 1700, however, according to professor David Christian of Macquarie University in Australia in a course entitled Big History, a worldwide movement perhaps described as the “empowerment of the individual” took hold, leading to the emancipation of women and the equality of individuals. Men and women became more equal politically, financially, and socially in many nations. Women won the right to vote and own property and receive equal treatment by the law, and these changes had profound impacts on the relationships between men and women. Parental influence declined. Individuals decided––on their own––whether they should marry, who they should marry, and when they should marry. A few centuries ago, dating was sometimes described as a “courtship ritual where young women entertained gentleman callers, usually in the home, under the watchful eye of a chaperone,” but increasingly it became a self-initiated activity with two young people going out as a couple in public together. Still, dating varied considerably by nation, custom, religious upbringing, technology, and social class; for example, one view was that lower-class young men and women would go out in public together since their homes were sometimes seen as not “suitable for entertaining”. Movies, meals, meeting in coffeehouses and other places became popular; advice books suggested various strategies for men and women.
In the last century, dating was sometimes seen as a precursor to marriage but it could also be considered as an end-in-itself, that is, an informal social activity akin to friendship. It generally happened in that portion of a person’s life before the age of marriage, but as marriage became less permanent with the advent of divorce, dating could happen at other times in peoples lives as well. People became more mobile. Rapidly developing technology played a huge role: new communication technology such as the telephone, Internet, and text messaging enabled dates to be arranged without face-to-face contact. Cars extended the range of dating as well as enabled back-seat sexual exploration. In the mid twentieth century, the advent of birth control as well as safer procedures for abortion changed the equation considerably, and there was less pressure to marry as a means for satisfying sexual urges. New types of relationships formed; it was possible for people to live together without marrying and without having to deal with children. Information about human sexuality grew. Alternative arrangements such as homosexuality became more accepted. Today, the institution of dating continues to evolve at a rapid rate with new possibilities and choices opening up.
Wide Variation in Behavior Patterns
“And the only rule is that there are no rules.”
—Kira Cochrane
Social rules regarding dating vary considerably according to variables such as country, social class, religion, age, sexual orientation and gender. Behavior patterns are generally unwritten and constantly changing. There are considerable differences between social and personal values. Each culture has particular patterns which determine such choices as whether the man asks the woman out, where people might meet, whether kissing is acceptable on a first date, the substance of conversation, who should pay for meals or entertainment, or whether splitting expenses is allowed.
Different meanings of the term
While the term dating has many meanings, the most common refers to a trial period in which two people explore whether to take the relationship further towards a more permanent relationship; in this sense, dating refers to the time when people are physically together in public as opposed to the earlier time period in which people are arranging the date, perhaps by corresponding by email or text or phone. Another meaning of the term dating is to describe a stage in a person’s life when he or she is actively pursuing romantic relationships with different people. If two unmarried celebrities are seen in public together, they are often described as “dating” which means they were seen in public together, and it is not clear whether they are merely friends, exploring a more intimate relationship, or are romantically involved.
Evaluation
When two people are in public, together, exploring whether to become more romantically involved, each person is simultaneously evaluating the other as a possible future partner, and at the same time is being evaluated. This can be stressful. While some of what happens on a date is guided to an extent by an understanding of basic rules, there is considerable room to experiment. Since there is uncertainty about how to behave on a date, there are numerous sources of advice available. Sources of advice include magazine articles, self-help books, dating coaches, friends, and many other sources. And the advice given can pertain to all facets of dating, including such aspects as where to go, what to say, what not to say, what to wear, how to end a date, how to flirt, and differing approaches regarding first dates versus subsequent dates.
In addition, advice can apply to periods before a date, such as how to meet prospective partners, as well as after a date, such as how to break off a relationship. There are now more than 500 businesses worldwide that offer dating coach services—with almost 350 of those operating in the U.S. And the number of these businesses has surged since 2005. Frequency of dating varies by person and situation; among singles actively seeking partners, 36% had been on no dates in the past three months, 13% had one date, 22% had two to four dates and 25% had five or more dates, according to a 2005 U.S. survey. Traumatic events can sometimes cause people to start dating; for example, two passengers aboard US Airways Flight 1549, which crashed in the Hudson River but without loss of life, began dating afterwards.
The copulatory gaze, looking lengthily at a new possible partner, brings you straight into a sparring scenario; you will stare for two to three seconds when you first spy each other, then look down or away before bringing your eyes in sync again. This may be combined with displacement gestures, small repetitive fiddles that signal a desire to speed things up and make contact. When approaching a stranger you want to impress, exude confidence in your stance, even if you’re on edge. Pull up to your full height in a subtle chest-thrust pose, which arches your back, puffs out your upper body and pushes out your buttocks. Roll your shoulders back and down and relax your facial expression.
—Judi James in The Guardian
Meeting Places
There are numerous ways to meet potential dates, including blind dates, classified ads, dating websites, hobbies, holidays, office romance, social networking, speed dating, and others. A Pew study in 2005 examined Internet users in long-term relationships including marriage found many met by contacts at work or school. The survey found that 55% of relationship-seeking singles agreed that it was “difficult to meet people where they live.” One writer suggested that meeting possible partners was easier in pedestrian-oriented cities such as Berlin or Barcelona rather than Los Angeles since there were more chances for face-to-face contact. Work is a common place to meet potential spouses, although there are some indications that the Internet is overtaking the workplace as an introduction venue. Some couples met because they lived in the same building and shared a common bathroom. Hobbies can be an informal way for people to meet. In Britain, one in five marry a co-worker; half of all workplace romances end within three months. In India, there are incidents of people meeting future spouses in the workplace. One drawback of office dating is that a bad date can lead to “workplace awkwardness”.
Gender Differences
There is general agreement that men and women approach dating differently. Advice for each sex varies greatly, particularly when dispensed by popular magazines. Heterosexual men often seek women based on beauty and youth. Psychology researchers at the University of Michigan suggested that men prefer women who seem to be “malleable and awed”, and prefer younger women with subordinate jobs such as secretaries and assistants and fact-checkers rather than executive-type women. Online dating patterns confirm that men are more likely to initiate online exchanges (over 75%) and are less choosy, seek younger women, and “cast a wide net.”
Heterosexual women often seek well-educated men who are their age or older with high-paying jobs, according to one account. Evolutionary psychology suggests that “women are the choosier of the genders” since “reproduction is a much larger investment for women” who have “more to lose by making bad choices.” Educated women in many countries including Italy and Russia and the United States often find it difficult to have a career as well as raise a family; many delay finding a mate and having children and wonder if they’re too accomplished that they won’t be as appealing to men.
Writer Danielle Crittenden in her book What Our Mothers Didn’t Tell Us argued that having both a career and family was taxing and stressful for women, and she made a case that the ideal path for women was to marry early in their twenties when their relative beauty permitted them to find a solid marriage bargain and choose from a large pool of available men, have children, and return to the work world when they were in their early thirties with kids in school; but Crittenden agrees splitting up the career path with a ten year baby-raising hiatus poses difficulties as well. Columnist Maureen Dowd quoted poet Dorothy Parker on the subject of romance:
By the time you swear you’re his,
Shivering and sighing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying –
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
—Dorothy Parker
Love
If there is any aspect of dating which is common for both sexes, then perhaps the idea of being in love can be scary; one said “being really intimate with someone in a committed sense is kind of threatening” and described love as “the most terrifying thing.” In her Psychology Today column, research scientist, sex columnist and book author Debby Herbenick compared it to a roller coaster:
There’s something wonderful, I think, about taking chances on love and sex. … Going out on a limb can be roller-coaster scary because none of us want to be rejected or to have our heart broken. But so what if that happens? I, for one, would rather fall flat on my face as I serenade my partner (off-key and all) in a bikini and a short little pool skirt than sit on the edge of the pool, dipping my toes in silence.
One dating adviser agreed that love is risky, and wrote that “There is truly only one real danger that we must concern ourselves with and that is closing our hearts to the possibility that love exists.”
Controversy
Anthropologist Helen Fisher in 2008
What happens in the dating world can reflect larger currents within popular culture. For example, when the 1995 book The Rules appeared, it touched off media controversy about how men and women should relate to each other, with different positions taken by New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd and British writer Kira Cochrane of The Guardian and others. It has even caused anthropologists such as Helen Fisher to suggest that dating is a game designed to “impress and capture” which is not about “honesty” but “novelty”, “excitement” and even “danger”, which can boost dopamine levels in the brain. The subject of dating has spun off popular culture terms such as the friend zone which refers to a situation in which a dating relation evolves into a platonic non-sexual union.