Book Excerpts: Are You The One For Me?

By Barbara de Angelis. 1992

Are You The One For Me

 
Contents

Understanding Your Love Choices

1. Love is Not Enough
2. Why We Choose the People We Love
3. Falling in Love for All the Wrong Reasons
4. The Six Biggest Mistakes We Make in the Beginning of a Relationship

 
Avoiding Who’s Wrong

5. The Ten Types of Relationships That Won’t Work
6. Fatal Flaws
7. Compatibility Time Bombs

 
Knowing Who’s Right

8. Six Qualities to Look For in a Mate
9. Sexual Chemistry: What Turns You On and What Doesn’t
10. Compatibility: Finding Out Who’s Right for You
11. Commitment: Making and Keeping One When It’s Right and Letting Go When It’s Wrong
12. The Adventure of Love

 
Chapter 1: Love is Not Enough

It’s important to distinguish between what you would like in a partner and what you really need in a partner.

 
Chapter 3: Falling in Love for All the Wrong Reasons

You get what you think you deserve.

Not only do I believe this, but I have seen it manifest itself in my own life and the lives of thousands of people I have worked with. For many of us, the problem is that we don’t think we deserve up lot when it comes to love.

 
Things you can do:

Keep a journal. This will help you get in touch with your inner self and become familiar with your thoughts and feelings. It will also give you an opportunity to access your own inner wisdom.

Learn to meditate.

Spend time outdoors in nature. It is impossible to walk through a forest, sit and watch the ocean, or stand at the top of the mountain and not be affected by the serenity and simple grace that nature reveals to us. In our fast-paced everyday lives, we are bombarded with electronic stimuli, and it is easy to lose touch with the beauty and balance of our home called Earth. Spending time outdoors is an easy way for you to restore yourself spiritually, whether it’s just taking a walk, sitting in a park, or planning a day trip to the mountains, a lake, or the ocean.

Read books that make you think. Reading can be a form of meditation, and books that make you think about life’s meaning are especially helpful in beginning the process of restoring you to spiritual wholeness. Here are some of my favorites:

Chop Wood, Carry Water: A Guide to Finding Spiritual Fulfillment In Everyday Life, by Rick Fields.

 
Chapter 4: The Six Biggest Mistakes We Make in the Beginning of a Relationship

1. We don’t ask enough questions.
2. We ignore warning signs of potential problems
3. We make premature compromises.
4. We give in to Lust Blindness.
5. We give in to material seduction.
6. We put commitment before compatibility.

 
Here are some of the areas you should ask your partner questions about:

– Family background and quality of family relationships
– Past love relationships and reasons for breakup
– Lessons learned from life experiences
– Ethics, values, and morals
– Attitudes about love, commitment, children
– Spiritual or religious philosophy and practices
– Personal and professional goals

 
Chapter 5: The Ten Types of Relationships That Won’t Work

1. You care more about your partner that he does about you.
2. Your partner cares more about you than you do about him/her.
3. You are in love with your partners potential.
4. You are on our rescue mission.
5. You look up to your partner as a role model.
6. You are infatuated with your partner for external reasons.
7. You have partial compatibility.
8. You choose a partner in order to be rebellious.
9. You choose a partner as a reaction to your previous partner.
10. Your partner is unavailable.

 
Chapter 6: Fatal Flaws

Fatal flaws to watch out for in a partner:

1. Addictions
2. Anger
3. Victim consciousness
4. Control freak
5. Sexual dysfunction
6. Hasn’t grown up
7. Emotionally unavailable
8. Hasn’t recovered from past relationships
9. Emotional damage from childhood

 
Chapter 7: Compatibility Time Bombs

Unlike Fatal Flaws or Emotional Programming, Compatibility Time Bombs have very little to do with obstacles in your inner world, but rather are obstacles in your outer world that make having a lasting relationship with a particular partner difficult.

Here are seven Compatibility Time Bombs that can destroy a relationship:

1. Significant age difference
2. Different religious background
3. Different social, ethnic, or educational background
4. Toxic in-laws
5. Toxic ex-spouse
6. Toxic stepchildren
7. Long-distance relationships

I call these obstacles Compatibility Time Bombs because the problems they present to a relationship usually emerge over time rather than in the beginning of a love affair. When you first meet someone with whom you share a CTB, you’re too busy falling in love to pay attention to what’s probably an uncomfortable issue for both of you. “It doesn’t bother me.” “We’ll deal with it when it comes up.” “We’ll love each other so much that it won’t matter.” These are the kinds of things you tell yourself to avoid facing what could potentially be an insoluble problem. But one day the realities you’ve been ignoring explode in front of you, and you’re forced to deal with them.

If you recognize a potential problem in your relationship, whether a fatal flaw or compatibility time bomb, it does not mean your relationship is doomed. It does mean you need to pay close attention to the problem rather than ignoring it and hoping it just goes away.

 
1. Significant Age Difference

If you’re the older person in the relationship:

1. You can become impatient with your partner.
2. You have a tendency to act like a parent to your mate.
3. You may be much more financially successful than your partner.
4. You may be tempted to control your partner because you hold more of the power in the relationship.
5. You may be tempted to compromise or sacrifice your interests, friends, and activities to appear more compatible with your partner.

 
If you’re the younger person in the relationship:

1. You may put your partner on a pedestal and give up your power because of his or her age.
2. You may set up your partner to be like a parent.
3. You may be tempted to compromise or sacrifice your interests, friends, and activities to appear more compatible with your partner.

 
When it can work:

A relationship between two people of very different ages can work if both partners avoid falling into the patterns we’ve just talked about. The more you have in common and the more committed you are to working on the relationship, the better your chances for survival.

A significant age difference between partners can be a wonderful inspiration for growth, stretching each person’s ability to love and understand the other, or it can be the cause of consistent tension and happiness that ultimately makes staying together impossible.

 
7. Long-Distance Relationships

A long-distance romance makes it easy for you to think the relationship is much better than it is, because you don’t spend consistent quality time together.

The very same factors that make a long-distance relationship romantic also make it hazardous:

– the distance that separates you
– the fantasizing about seeing your partner
– the brief, intense moments of intimacy during phone calls
– the erotic thrill of knowing you only have a few days together
– the emotional good-byes

It’s easy to get caught up in the ongoing drama of your love affair rather than looking at the relationship as it really is. The goal of two lovers in a “normal” relationship should be to become more loving and intimate with one another. The goal of two long-stance lovers becomes to see one another again.

Here are some of the ways in which this Compatibility Time Bomb can affect you:

1. You don’t get to see what your partner is really like.
2. You avoid dealing with problem areas.
3. You have an unrealistic view of your compatibility

 
When It Can Work

For a long-distance romance to evolve into a healthy, lasting relationship, both partners will eventually have to live in the same place. That’s the only way you can truly know if you’re compatible, and develop the level of intimacy you need to sustain your love. But while you’re still apart, the most successful long-distance affairs are those in which the couple treats the relationship like it is a full-time romance:

– They don’t try to make every moment together special, but do normal things together.
– They don’t try to hide difficult parts of their personality, but are themselves.
– They don’t edit how they feel, but allow themselves to communicate honestly and deal with conflicts as they come up.

 
Chapter 8: Six Qualities To Look For In a Mate

Six qualities to look for in a mate

1. Commitment to personal growth
2. Emotional openness
3. Integrity
4. Maturity and responsibility
5. High self-esteem
6. Positive attitude toward life

 
Quality 1: Commitment To Personal Growth

Questions to ask your partner about commitment to personal growth:

1. What have you learned about yourself emotionally in the past ten years and how has it changed you?
2. What have you learned from your past relationships and what do you do differently now?
3. What are you great weaknesses and where do you think they come from?
4. If I asked your past partners to list their biggest complaints about you, what would they be? Do you agree or disagree?
5. What sources of help have you used in the past when you or your relationships were in crisis (books, counseling, etc.)? Did these help?
6. How would you like to change in the next five years? What parts of yourself would you like to get rid of? What qualities would you like to acquire more of?

 
Quality 3: Integrity

Questions to ask your partner about integrity:

1. Do you think partners should be honest about everything in a relationship, or do you think some things should be kept private? For instance…?
2. Have you ever been lied to or betrayed in a relationship? What happened? How did it make you feel?
3. Have you ever lied to or betrayed someone in a relationship? What happened? Would you do it again?

 
Quality 4: Maturity and Responsibility

I’m a firm believer in the principle that our outer world reflects our inner world.

Responsibility means doing what you say you’re going to do. It means remembering to pay the bills, keeping your promises, showing up on time, and not letting people down. Responsibility isn’t saying you’re responsible but acting irresponsible. It isn’t a concept–it’s an action.

 
Quality 5: High Self-Esteem

The more you love yourself, the less you’ll allow others to mistreat you.

 
Questions to ask your partner about self-esteem:

1. What are you the most proud of about yourself and your life?
2. What kind of emotional abuse or mistreatment have you tolerated in the past? Why did you put up with it? Would you tolerate it now?
3. What do you do to show love for yourself (bubble baths, massages, special vacations, etc.)?
4. What are your worst health or living habits?
5. Do you procrastinate a lot of the time, much of the time, or not much at all?
6. What risks have you taken in your life? What was the most recent risk? Are there any risks you’ve been avoiding taking?

 
Chapter 10: Compatibility: Finding Out who’s Right for You

Deciding whether or not you’re compatible with someone should happen in stages. At each stage of involvement, you should decide whether you’re compatible enough to go on to the next stage of involvement.

 
Stage One: Zero to Three Months–the New Relationship

New Relationship Checklist:

1. I’ve asked my partner a lot of questions about herself in the following areas and received answers I feel good about:

· Family background and quality of relationships, past and present
· Past love relationships/reasons for breakup/lessons learned
· Attitudes about love, commitment, children
· Sexual attitudes and preferences (including contraception)
· Sexual history (including discussion of any STDs)
· Spiritual or religious philosophy and practices
· Personal and professional goals
· Financial habits, background, and goals
· Attitude about personal growth, counseling, books, etc.
· Attitudes and behaviors about food, exercise, and health
· Attitudes or history with addictions
· Ethics, morals, and values

I’m not making the Six Big Mistakes We Make in the Beginning of Relationships:

· I’m not asking enough questions (see above)
· I’m not making premature compromises.
· I’m not giving in to Lust Blindness
· I’m not giving in to material seduction
· I’m not putting commitment before compatibility
· I’m not ignoring warning signs of potential problems

 
Stage Two: Three to Six Months–The Developing Relationship

The three-to-six month period is a crucial stage of a relationship, during which you are going to become more emotionally involved. Therefore you want to be sure you’re making the right decision before making yourself even more vulnerable.

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